


When The Anxiety Takes Over

by One_Small_Writer



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Family Feels, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Other minor TW, Panic Attacks, Unintentional Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26460565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/One_Small_Writer/pseuds/One_Small_Writer
Summary: Katherine loves nothing more than performing. She's never more confident than she is when she's onstage. It's her element.But sometimes, her anxiety takes over.
Relationships: Katherine Howard & Jane Seymour
Comments: 9
Kudos: 42





	When The Anxiety Takes Over

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings Include - Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Self Harm in the form of scratching, a mention of vomiting, a mention of nightmares.  
> I think that's it.  
> Anyway, I love the Jane and Kat mother-daughter dynamic and I will go down with it.

Katherine never felt as confident as she did when she was on stage. 

Being on stage gave her a rush of adrenaline and she felt like she could conqueror the entire world. While on stage, nothing could get to her. She had her family beside her as they all did something they loved, and people would clap and cheer to hear their stories. Not Henrey’s, theirs. People listened to them, people believed them. It was pretty damn cool.

Performing was Katherine’s element, but sometimes other things going on in her life affected that, namely her anxiety.

Normally, her anxieties would start to melt away as soon as she stepped through stage door, and by the time soundcheck rolled around she was usually almost completely fine. The theatre just had that effect on her.

Today, however, the theatre made her feel worse than she already felt.

As the drive to the theatre progressed, her stomach knotted uncomfortably and nausea washed over her body. She shifted in her seat, closing her eyes and leaning her head on the closest shoulder, which happened to be Cathy’s.

“Are you alright Kitty?” Cathy asked gently. Katherine nodded against her shoulder, squeezing her eyes tighter. Everyone else turned to look at her, Catalina looking through the mirror, worry evident on all her faces. It wasn’t that her actions were particularly out of the ordinary, Katherine was a very tactile person, but she was very pale and had been off since the night before, so everyone was a little wary of her.

She’d had a horrible night. She’d had a nightmare pretty early on in the night that’d worked her up to the point of vomiting, and she hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. She was tired, and the leftover anxiety had been chipping away at her all day.

They arrived at the theatre and Catalina parked, walking the short distance to the stage door. Katherine kept herself wedged in between the group, almost as if she was hiding. She kept quiet as they started getting ready and sat as close to the corner as she could, giving quick, one-word answers to the others when they asked anything.

This worried the other queens. Katherine was never quiet when they got ready, she was always talking or laughing or singing. There was definitely something up, and if only she’d tell them.

Katherine was usually good at telling the other queens when something was wrong, especially Jane, but today she just couldn’t. It’s not that she didn’t want anyone to know, she wanted to tell them, but she didn’t even know what was wrong herself. All she knew was that the anxiety was coursing through her veins, and even the theatre wasn’t making it better.

“Kat!” She heard Jane say from what seemed like a million miles away, though in reality was from right next to her.

She jolted, dropping the brush she was holding. It landed on the bench with a clatter. “Sorry, what?”

“We’ve been called for soundcheck. Come on, let’s go!” Jane said, as happy as always.

Katherine nodded. “Right, sorry.”

“Love, are you sure you’re okay? You don’t seem right and haven’t all day,” Jane looked at her carefully, sighing when Katherine responded with nothing but a curt nod before getting up and leaving the room without so much as a word. Jane and Cathy shared a look before following her, turning off the lights on their way out.

Once onstage, everyone was handed their microphones and the girls in the band started playing. Almost as if in beat with the music, Katherine’s hands began to shake even more than they already were and her chest became tight, causing her breathing to start to speed up. The music around her started blurring together in her head, and tears welled in her eyes.

She couldn’t do this.

Instinctively, she stepped forward as Anna’s voice broke through the fuzz, holding the mic in preparation. The mic she usually adored was hard to grip, and was making her feel weak and like she was at its mercy.

She really couldn’t do this.

Her body moving at its own accord, her mouth opened, but no sound came out. The only noise that came out was her heaving breaths. Everyone turned to look at her, and that's all it took for the tears to start streaming down her face.

“Kat…” She heard someone, God knows who, call her. She shook her head frantically, ignoring whoever it was, and went to starting singing again.

“I’m, I’m done… cause all this…” She trailed off, staring blankly out at the empty house. Her breaths came hard and fast and the shaking in her hands spread to the rest of her body. She had to leave. Now.

Without her realizing, her legs started moving and she bolted offstage, going up the stairs faster than she ever had before, and ran into the dressing room, slamming the door behind her. She didn’t have the space of mind to turn on the lights, the room was pitch dark. She backed herself into the corner, the sound of her harsh gasps and violent sobs filling the room. Her nails raked up and down her arms violently, leaving angry red marks the length of them.

It stung, wow did it sting, but she just couldn’t stop. Her thoughts were racing, she just wanted them to go away. Scratching seemed to be the only answer.

Back onstage, everyone was still, staring the direction Katherine ran. The band had stopped too, and they were staring between the wings and the other queens, confused as ever.

“So,” Anne said, filling the silence, “I guess she wasn’t as okay as she lead on.”

With that, everyone seemed to come to their senses. Jane to the stairs, bounding up them, the others following close behind, and knocked on the door. “Kitty, love, it’s me. Can I come in?” She didn’t wait for an answer, pushing open the door and flicking the lights on, revealing a very distressed Katherine, hugging herself and scratching frantically, dots of blood lacing her arms.

Jane rushed over, stopping just short of where Katherine stood. “Love, it’s me. Can I have your hands please?” She asked softly. Katherine looked up, registering her voice in her head, and nodded shakily.

Jane smiled reassuringly and pried her hands away from her arms, squeezing them in her own. “Thank you, sweetheart. I know that would’ve been hard for you. You’re doing so well, you'll be okay. C’mon, take a deep breath with me,” Jane guided, taking various deep breaths and encouraging Katherine to do the same.

Slowly, Katherine began to follow the older queen’s actions, her breathing starting to match with Jane’s, though her tears never ceased.

Eventually, Katherine slumped forward into Jane, totally exhausted and wanting nothing more than to sleep in her arms until the show, though she knew that wasn’t an option. Jane caught her, hugging her tightly as she sat down on the floor, Katherine practically in her lap. The other queens looked worryingly down at them both, unsure of what to do.

"Kitty, I’m going to have to patch up these arms of yours a little bit, is that okay?” Jane picked up her arm, holding it gently as she inspected the damage done. It wasn’t much, she’d definitely done worse to herself, but there was always a chance for infection. They needed to be covered. Katherine nodded, another sob breaking through the momentary silence. 

“Thank you, love. Cathy, can you run some warm water in the basin? And Anne, can you grab the first aid kit from downstairs? You know where it is, right?” She instructed the others, who both nodded and sprung into action. She smiled at them gratefully.

“Alright lovely, we’re gonna have to move to the bathroom. Can you walk?” Katherine nodded again, standing on shaking legs and clinging to Jane as her life depended on it (In Katherine’s eyes, it did). They made their way to the tiny bathroom at the end of the hall and Katherine managed to pull herself up to sit on the bench, her head against the cool wall and arms out on display, resting on her lap.

“I’m sorry mum,” She whispered tearily as Jane tended to them, wiping the blood away with warm water and antiseptic and wrapping her arms in gauze bandage (Her arms weren’t bad enough to warrant it, the scratches were relatively small and shallow, but the gauze meant Katherine couldn’t see the marks, which Jane knew would make her feel worse). 

“It’s not your fault love, I know you didn't mean to,” Jane assured her.

“I still feel bad though. I’ve used up all this time we could’ve been getting ready and now we’re gonna be all screwed up for the rest of the night.” 

“Katherine, no. Don’t pin stuff like that on yourself, you haven’t screwed up anything. Regardless, you’re far more important than getting ready for the show. Next time though, please talk to us. We could’ve stopped it getting to this point,” Jane said, a hint of pleading in her voice.

“I know I should’ve said something, but I didn’t even know what was wrong myself. I just felt overwhelmed I guess.” She chewed on the nail of her thumb, averting her eyes from Jane in embarrassment.

“Then you should’ve just told us that then!” Jane couldn’t help but raise her voice. She was worried, that sometimes happened when she was worried.

“I’m sorry,” Katherine mumbled, staring down at her lap. 

Jane sighed. “It’s not your fault, and I promise I’m not mad at you. I just need you to know that even if you don’t know what’s wrong, you need to tell us when something’s up. That way we can prevent things like this happening, okay?” She told her, her voice serious but soft at the same time.

“Okay.” Katherine looked up and gave Jane a small smile. 

“Come here.” Jane opened her arms to her and Katherine’s face rushed with relief. She hopped off the bench and stepped into her arms, wrapping her own around her ‘mother’ tightly. They stood there for a few moments until Katherine pulled back, wiping the rest of the tears off her face.

“Do you wanna go back to the others?” Jane asked.

“Yeah.”

They walked out of the bathroom and almost straight into Anna, who had her head buried in her phone. “Oh, hey!” She said, looking up, “I was just coming to get you, but I didn't want to interrupt. Are you feeling okay Kat?”

“I am now, yeah,” She smiled at Jane and looked back to Anna, “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you wanna go on tonight? I’ve already got a message typed up to everyone else to get one of them here a little earlier. Say the word and it’s sent.”

Katherine thought about it for a minute. “No, it’s fine. I wanna go on,” She said, surprising herself.

“Are you sure?” Jane asked, both she and Anna eyeing her skeptically. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Positive even. It’ll probably make me feel better, and I don’t wanna be alone right now. I wanna be out there with all of you. I’m going on,” She nodded affirmatively.

“Okay, well we’re gonna go back down and redo soundcheck then,” Anna said, undoing the message and patting Katherine affectionately on the arm. “And you’re sure you’re okay to go on?”

“Yep. I’m sure.”

The three girls smiled at each other and walked down the stairs and back onto the stage. The others grinned as they saw Katherine, and the girls started playing again. This time, when it came to her turn to sing, Katherine did, singing loud and proud.

Because even if her anxiety sometimes took over, nothing made Katherine happier and more confident than performing with her girls.

**Author's Note:**

> Am I emotionally projecting myself onto Katherine Howard? Yes.  
> Is the first part, the panic attack part, what happened to me last December during the last show I did? Again, yes.
> 
> So yeah, this was inspired over something that happened during my last show. We were doing a final tech run the day of the first show and I went to sing into the microphone my friend was holding out so me so I could do my hand action and I froze, tried to sing but failed and then ran offstage into a dark dressing room. Got followed by one of the directors, a few other people onstage with me and one of the older girls I love very much who was not in that number. Scratched the living shit out of my arms. It wasn't fun.


End file.
